The Panama Canal may serve as an adequate analogy for the
role of effective listening skills. As a youth, I traversed the canal
several times as we sailed in a freight ship from the port of Valparaiso in
Chile, to New York. Massive lock gates are utilized to manage the water levels
in the canal, so that ships can move from one direction to another. The water
level behind one set of closed locks can be much higher than that of the next
compartment through which a ship will travel.
We can compare this scene to the state of mind of an
individual suffering from deep emotional wounds, or involved in a serious
interpersonal conflict. With disparate water levels there is a buildup of
pressure behind the closed locks. If one were to open these lock gates, the
flow would be mostly unidirectional. Likewise, a party who is holding in her
emotions needs a release. Such an individual is unlikely to (1) think clearly
about the challenge or (2) be receptive to outside input from another.
The role of the listener or helper is to allow such an
individual to open the lock gates. When he does, the water gushes out. During
this venting process, there is still too much pressure for a person to consider
other perspectives. Only when the water level has leveled off between the two
compartments, does the water begin to flow evenly back and forth. The role
of the listener is to help empty the large reservoirs of emotion, anger,
stress, frustration and other negative feelings until the individual can see
more clearly. Not until then, can a party consider the needs of the other.
Perhaps we can think of it as listening first aid.
At one enterprise, I had just been introduced, by the
proprietor, to one of the parties involved in a conflict where I would be the
mediator. (Rather than bringing both of these individuals together immediately,
I instead met with each separately in a pre-caucus.) As soon as the owner left
us alone, the individual broke into tears. A similar situation took place at a
different enterprise, where one of the managers began to cry, ostensibly
because of other issues pressing heavily upon him. Had these men come
immediately into a joint meeting with their respective contenders, their
feelings of vulnerability might just as easily have turned into anger and
defensiveness.
In another organization, I was informed that the pre-caucus
would be quite brief, as the person I was about to listen to was not a man of
many words. Yet this individual spoke to me for almost two hours. By the time
we finished, he felt understood and had gained confidence. During the joint
session, this same employee was able to laugh when it was appropriate. I have
found that these “silent types” will often open up when there is someone who
will truly listen.
The process of listening so others will talk is called empathic
listening. Empathy, according to some dictionary definitions, means to put
oneself in a position to understand another person. Certainly, this is an
aspect of empathy. We prefer to define empathy, however, as it is often used in
psychology: the process of attending to another so the individual feels heard
in a non-judgmental way. Empathic listening requires that we accompany a person
in her moment of sadness, anguish, self-discovery, challenge (or even great
joy!). This approach to listening was developed by Carl Rogers; author of Client-Centered
Therapy.1 Rogers applied the method to therapeutic as well as human
resource management skills. When an individual feels understood, an enormous
emotional burden is lifted; stress and defensiveness are reduced; and clarity
increases.
Listening Skills in Interpersonal
Communication
We spend a large portion of our waking hours conversing and
listening. When two friends or colleagues have an engaging dialogue, they will
often compete to speak and share ideas. Certainly, listening skills play an
important role is such stimulating exchanges. When it comes to empathic
listening, we do not vie to be heard, nor do we take turns speaking. Rather, we
are there to motivate and cheer the other person on.
Empathic listening skills require a different subset of
proficiencies than conversing, and it is certainly an acquired skill. Many
individuals, at first, find the process somewhat uncomfortable. Furthermore,
people are often surprised at the exertion required to become a competent
listener. Once the skill is attained, there is nothing automatic about it. In
order to truly listen, we must set aside sufficient time to do so. Perhaps the
root of the challenge lies here. People frequently lose patience when listening
to another’s problem. Empathic listening is incompatible with being in a hurry,
or with the fast paced world around us. Such careful listening requires that
we, at least for the moment, place time on slow motion and suspend our own
thoughts and needs. Clearly, there are no shortcuts to empathic listening.
Some of the dialogues in this paper are videotape transcripts
made possible by generous volunteers. It is my goal to give life to some of
these clips, so as to better illustrate what it means to indeed listen
empathetically.
The purpose of this paper, then, is to further explicate and
describe empathic listening, as well as some of the skill subsets involved. We
challenge the reader to temporarily put aside any preconceived notions about
effective listening. In order to more clearly illustrate empathic listening, we
will portray both positive and negative examples.
Effective listening and attending skills can be applied to
all of our interpersonal and business relationships. We will become more
effective listeners as we practice at home, in our business dealings, and in
other circles. One of the greatest gifts we can give another is that of truly
listening.
Different approaches to listening
There are different approaches to providing assistance. One
helping model involves a three-step process: 1) attentive listening, 2) asking
effective diagnostic questions, and 3) offering a prescription, or solution.
Slowly, or sometimes quite abruptly, people move from listening to prescribing.
It is not uncommon, under some circumstances, for a person to focus on the
third of these steps: offering advice (sometimes even when none is sought). In
other situations, individuals may utilize the first two steps. Perhaps most
uncommon is an emphasis on listening alone.
You can probably imagine situations where each of these
approaches may make sense. When there is little time, or in dangerous
situations, people may offer advice even when they were not asked. For matters
of a technical (or medical) nature, the three-way process of listening,
diagnosing, and prescribing is often preferable. After prescribing, it is
helpful to take a step back and determine how the individual feels about the
proposed solution. A related approach involves going through the first two
steps and then involving the troubled person in examining alternative
solutions. Finally, for more personal matters, where the solution is owned by
the individual facing the challenge, a listening approach is most advantageous.
This is where empathic listening fits in. Let us consider these phases in
reverse order.
Prescriptive Phase
The majority of individuals, while they may fully begin with
intentions of listening, often quickly transition into the diagnostic and
prescriptive phases. People are accustomed to solving problems and often listen
with this frame of mind. Others, instead, focus on sympathy. Sharing a story of
how we had to face a similar challenge is not much better. Nor is being quiet
so a person will hurry up and finish. None of these are helpful responses to
venting. Each reflects, among other things, a certain amount of impatience.
When people are not listening we can often see it in their body language: “The
automatic smile, the hit-and-run question, the restless look in their eyes when
we start to talk.”2
It seems easier to solve other people’s problems rather than
our own. Individuals habitually say, “If I were in your position, I would do
such and such.” Perhaps. Maybe we would have solved the dilemma had we been in
her place. Different personality types certainly approach specific challenges
in predictable ways, with likewise foreseeable results. For instance, some
would not dream of confronting a friend, but instead would let an irritation
fester inside. Others might have trouble keeping their opinions to themselves.
Have you noticed that some of your acquaintances seem to
repeatedly fall into the same types of predicaments, giving the impression they
did not learn from the last episode? Each of us has different personality
traits and skill sets that permit us to solve some challenges easier than
others.
Occasionally, of course, we think that we would have solved
a person’s dilemma, had we had the chance to do so. Instead, when we find
ourselves in the same predicament, we often feel just as unsure about how to
proceed.
On the way home from a father-daughter date, I asked one of
my daughters if I could give her some free advice. "I certainly
don't plan to pay for it," she quipped. On another occasion, another young
woman came to see me. Sofía could not perceive how giving the cold shoulder to
Patricia—who had been her best friend at the university—was not only a cause of
pain to the latter, but also a way to further escalate the growing conflict
between the two.
“I no longer speak to Patricia when I see her,” Sofía began.
“Her cold attitude toward me really hurts. She never greets me, and that hurts.
She used to be very kind. But you know, now, when she tries to come over and
speak to me I pretend I haven’t noticed her and look away.”
“How do you expect your friend to act in a warm way toward
you if you give her the cold shoulder when she tries to speak to you?” I
inquired, stating the obvious.
I should have instead kept that comment to myself. Sofía was
upset by my counsel and avoided me for some time. A few weeks later she came to
see me again. This time I listened empathically. It meant not stating the
obvious, but rather, being attentive while Sofía described, in full detail, the
ache she was feeling, the history of the conflict, her suffering and hopes.
Sofía felt heard and was able to take some preliminary steps towards resolving
her challenge.
Our effectiveness as a listener is often lost if we solve
the problem before the person we are attempting to help does. Some try
unsuccessfully to disguise their advice-giving tactics through such questions
as, “Don’t you think ...?” or, “Have you tried ...?”
Aaliyah is very concerned about her grown daughter, and has
been openly disclosing her worries with her friend, Shanise. Let us listen in
on their conversation.
“These are the problems I have with my daughter,” Aaliyah
shares, anguish punctuating each word. “I want to seek her out, try and speak
with her, try and have her understand, but she does not mind me. [Pause] I
simply don’t know what to do, I feel incapable of helping her.”
“If you would get her professional help, would she go?”
Shanise proposes.
“Hmm. Eh. [Pause] As I was telling you, she doesn’t mind me.
When I try and speak to her, give her advice, then she… changes topics. That is
the problem I have, that I seek her out but she does not mind me.” Aaliyah
insists.
Aaliyah considers Shanise’s contribution a distraction, and
momentarily loses track of what she was saying. Aaliyah, however, takes control
of the conversation once again. Because Shanise has been showing empathy to
this point, Aaliyah forgives the interruption.
There will be times when people seem to be asking for a
solution, such as Aaliyah’s comment, “I simply don’t know what to do.” Perhaps
they will even ask for advice, “What should I do?” The listener ought not to
rush in with a prescription. It is worthwhile; at least, to say something like,
“You are unsure as to how to proceed.” If the person says something like,
“Exactly!” and continues to speak, we know we have hit the mark. If instead,
the individual continues to ask for suggestions, we can help them explore
options.
In a listening skills workshop, John, one of the
participants, had shared some concerns facing his enterprise: “Our top
supervisor seems quite unsure as to how to proceed with such a delicate issue,”
John explained. “He simply does not know what to do about these two guys who
will not speak to each other.” After a while, I stopped the role-play to give
the listener some ideas on how to keep John talking. John interrupted to say
that he did not want to play the listening game—he simply wanted a solution.
This was an ideal opportunity to illustrate some vital
points. When workshop participants listen to people with real hardships,
everything they have learned so far often flies out the window. Rather than
analyze the quality of the listening, participants are all too often ready to
suggest additional solutions. It is not difficult to obtain “three opinions out
of two persons!”
Seminar participants were permitted to go around the table
prescribing solutions. But not before being warned that they were entering the
prescribe phase, which I have labeled red, for danger. Suggestions started
flying.
“Obviously, John,” the first participant began, “you must
insist upon having the supervisor speak with both individuals.”
“What I would do instead,” another piped in, “would be to… ”
It soon became clear that despite John’s request for a ready
made solution, these suggestions were irritating him. John admitted that he
would have preferred to continue to think aloud with the support of the class
participants.
Sympathy is quite different than empathy. It often springs
more from our desire for normality, than for helping someone. One of my
favorite illustrations comes from Alfred Benjamin: “When Lucy said, ‘I’ll never
get married now that I’m [disabled],’ what did you do? You know you felt
terrible; you felt that the whole world had caved in on her. But what did you
say? What did you show?”3 If Lucy was your seventeen year old daughter, niece,
or younger sister—I often ask—what would you like to say to her? Some of the most
frequent responses include:
- Your
internal beauty is more important than outward appearances.
- I
still find you beautiful.
- If
a young man cannot see your beauty, he is not worthy of you.
- Modern
medicine can work miracles and perhaps you can recover beyond expectation.
Alfred Benjamin continues, “Did you help her to bring it
out; to say it, all of it; to hear it and examine it? You almost said: ‘Don’t
be foolish. You’re young and pretty and smart, and who knows, perhaps…’ But you
didn’t. You had said similar things to patients in the hospital until you
learned that it closed them off. So this time you simply looked at her and
weren’t afraid to feel what you both felt. Then you said, ‘You feel right now
that your whole life has been ruined by this accident.’ ‘That’s just it,’ she
retorted, crying bitterly. After awhile she continued talking. She was still
[disabled], but you hadn’t gotten in the way of her hating it and confronting
it.”3
In my opinion, it is not about withholding comments about
the beauty of the young lady, or about how much we care about her. Many of
these comments may be shared, but later, after Lucy feels truly heard and does
not have more to say herself.
There are numerous ways we discount the needs of others,
even when we think we are being good listeners. For instance, we may attempt to
share our own story of loss, disappointment, or of success, before the
individual has had the opportunity to be heard in his story. We may feel that
sharing our own story is proof that we are listening, but instead, the other
person feels we have stolen the show.4 Once again; this is not to say that
there is no room to share our story with others, but rather, we should hear
them out first.
Some persons confuse empathic listening with being silent.
First attempts to listen empathically are often betrayed by facial and body
language that say “be quiet so I can give you advice.” Have you ever tried to
speak to someone who is silent and gives no indication of what he is thinking?
We do not know if the person has lost interest or is judging us.
When people have deep sentiments to share, rarely do they
expose their vulnerability by getting to the point right away. Ordinarily, the
topic is examined through increasingly constricting circles. We may also
compare it to an iceberg. Only an eighth protrudes to the surface while the
rest remains submerged—buried—under the surface of the ocean. When someone
says, “I am worried because…” and another responds, “Don’t worry so much,” the
worried person does not cease to be concerned. Rather, it becomes clear that
the apprehension cannot be safely shared with this individual. Likewise, when a
person proceeds to give a suggestion before understanding the situation,
individuals will frequently pretend to go along with the proposal simply to get
rid of the problem solver.
Diagnostic Phase
Perhaps the greatest danger with the process of diagnosing
is the natural tendency to move from listening, to diagnosing, to prescribing.
Rarely do people reverse the process and return to listening after entering the
diagnostic phase. It is much more likely that they will move on to prescribe
mode. A plus of the diagnostic process, is that the listener can, at least at
the superficial level, gain a better idea of what the challenge entails.
We do not wish to imply that the diagnostic process is
useless. All too often people give too little attention to diagnosis, but in
the process of empathic listening, the diagnosis needs to be carried out by
each party, rather than the mediator. An emphasis on diagnostics betrays a
perspective in which the listener is to provide wisdom, understanding, and
solutions.
Often, individuals listen and ask questions with the idea of
confirming their own observations. A much more effective method is to be moved
by a spirit of curiosity. Such an approach has been called a stance of
“deliberate ignorance.” Instead of assuming that a certain experience is the
same as another we have lived or heard of in the past, we listen with interest
and curiosity. Inquisitive listeners “never assume that they understand the
meaning of an action, and event, or a word.”5
Let us return to the conversation between Aaliyah and
Shanise.
“My husband does not help me resolve my problem with my
daughter,” Aaliyah laments.
“What would he like you to do? Not to have any contact with
her?” Shanise asks a couple of investigative questions.
“Well, we quarrel a lot because I tell him I’m a mother.
[Pause] And he does not feel what I feel. And he does not want me to seek her
out because, after all, she does not listen, and the situation will not
improve. But I always seek her out. [Long pause] And I told her not to be
running about… to come to my home, but she will not, she says that…,” Aaliyah
continues her story, a narrative born of a mother’s pain.
The questions have helped Shanise understand the situation a
bit better. Observe, however, that Aaliyah, after answering, returns to speak
about that which hurts her the most, her inability to help her daughter.
Next, we give another example of an investigative question.
Once again, we pick up in the middle of a conversation:
“I have that problem with one of our engineers,” says
Raymond.
“In the morning or afternoon?” inquires Paul.
“I have been wondering if there is a pattern indeed… if this
happens on Mondays, or if there is anything predictable in all of this,”
Raymond answers. “The truth is that I have not found anything obvious that
stands out.”
“Have you ever sat down with him and spoken about your
concern?” Paul asks.
This conversation follows a pattern. Paul asks a question
and Raymond answers and then waits for Paul’s next inquiry. Pauses become an
excuse to interrupt. Paul has control over the conversation and it is uncertain
as to whether he will take it in the right direction. While Raymond may feel
heard, to a certain extent, such comprehension tends to be somewhat
superficial. Raymond is not working as hard as he could and expects an answer
to his problems. Upon observing Raymond, one gets the idea that he is saying,
“Go ahead, be my guest, see if you can solve this mess! I sure haven’t been
able to.”
There are other types of questions, such as those that
promote the talking about feelings. Manuel tells his wife, Magdalena, that
despite the recognition that his work has received in New York, he is unsure as
to whether they should remain in the USA or return to their native Argentina.
While Magdalena has heard her husband in the past, her focus here has been to
let her husband vent and find clarity to his own thinking:
“That is the problem, to stay or return to Argentina?”
Manuel sighs.
“What is it that you really miss from Argentina?” Magdalena
inquires.
“Well, that is what we were talking about recently… one
misses the family… family relations… Sundays with the extended family and the
kids… but I also miss my friends. I had a huge group of friends…,” Manuel
continues sharing his feelings.
This question has permitted Manuel to explain what he truly
feels. Other such questions could include, “How do you feel when that happens?”
“What are you feeling at this moment?” We will generally note quite a different
expression coming from a person who is answering affect-type questions. Another
inquiry that gives the client a chance to expand is, “What, then, do you plan
on doing?” Despite the merits of such a probe, it is best to leave it towards
the end of the conversation. Unless, of course, it is asked in a much less
abrupt way, such as, “What options are you leaning toward and which ones do you
like the least?”
When a question is asked to help someone take control of the
conversation, I like the expression, “prime the pump.” These old fashioned
water pumps functioned through a lever and a vacuum. One needed quite a bit of
effort to make them start pumping water, but much less once the water started flowing.
Prime-the-pump type questions are especially useful to help the person with the
challenge:
- Start
speaking.
- Take
back control over the conversation, especially after an interruption
(e.g., after the conversation stops when a third person momentarily walks
into the room; the conversation is being renewed after a few days; or when
the listener realizes he has interrupted or taken an overly directive
approach to listening).
There are several types of questions, comments, or gestures
that can work under the prime the pump category. These may include, for
example:
- Investigative
questions.
- Analytical
comments.
- Summary
of what has been heard.
- An
invitation for the person to say more.
- Body
language that shows interest.
- Empathic
comments.
Empathic Listening
A mother recalled of a time when her young daughter invited
her to come outside and play. At first, the mother intently watched as her
daughter repeatedly hit a tether ball, but soon began to wonder what her own
role was in the game. So she asked her daughter. In response, the young girl
matter-of-factly explained that every time she was successful in hitting the
ball, the mother should congratulate her and say, “Good job!” 6 This is,
essentially, the role of empathic listening, that of accompanying another
person and celebrating together the fact that the other can begin to unpack and
analyze the challenges being faced. In the child’s game, success is measured by
the ability to have the ball and its cord wrap around the post. In empathic
listening, success is measured by the ability to unpack the often pain-soaked
narrative and let it float to the surface.
We shall attempt to look, in a more detailed way, at how to
accompany without interfering. There is a marvelously therapeutic power in the
ability to think aloud and share a challenge with someone who will listen.
A good listener has sufficient confidence in himself to be
able to listen to others without fear. In contrast to a diagnostic approach to
helping, the listener:
- Takes
an empathic posture (motivates the other to speak without feeling judged).
- Does
not use pauses as an excuse to interrupt.
- Permits
the speaker to direct the conversation.
Through this process the individual—if we earn her
confidence—begins to speak more, to control the direction of the topic, to
increase self understanding (by first reviewing that which is known and later
by digging deeper), to consider possible options, and often, by choosing a
possible outcome. We will consider some specific tactics that will help us
accomplish these goals. A warning is in order. We must keep in mind that
empathic listening is dynamic. It is not sufficient to have an interest in
another, but we must also show it. And it is not sufficient to show an
interest, we must feel it. The person being heard immediately notices if we get
bored, seem distracted, or become upset.
In the words of Alfred Benjamin, “Genuine listening is hard
work; there is little about it that is mechanical… We hear with our ears, but
we listen with our eyes and mind and heart and skin and guts as well.”7 Let us
look at some specific techniques that are helpful.
Dangling questions
An incomplete question has the advantage of leaving much in
the air and giving the client control over the direction he wishes to go. Let
us return to our Argentine couple.
“And the children… miss…?” Magdalena asks, prolonging the
word miss.
“And the children miss… much, especially the… affection of
the grandmothers, cousins, undoubtedly they miss the whole family structure…”
Manuel explains and continues to uncover the issues that are troubling him.
Indications that we want to know
more
There are many ways we can signal an interest in listening
and learning more. One of the most typical is to simply say, “Tell me more.” We
could also say something like, “How interesting!” or simply, “Interesting.”
What is important in all this is that we are not stuck with one monotonous and
irritating technique.
Repeating a phrase or key word
One of the most important empathic listening techniques is
to let the client know we are accompanying him by repeating, from time to time,
one word, or a few, in the same tone of voice that he has used. Aaliyah
continues to share with Shanise the pain she is feeling because of her
daughter.
“And she moved and now lives in a nearby town… [Aaliyah
raises her left hand while she speaks and indicates the direction, and then
pauses]. With a friend…”
“Friend,” Shanise repeats.
“Yes, but she does not last long because as she does not
work and she won’t be able to simply live there for free,” Aaliyah continues.
“She must contribute something, too.”
Such empathic expressions or key words, contribute to the
process without overly interrupting. There are times when the speaker may leave
the thought process to reflect on the words the listener has repeated. But
normally this happens in a very natural fashion that allows for fluidity. The
speaker has the option of continuing what he is saying or further reflecting on
the comment. Let us look at this same technique in the Argentine couple.
“It is true that… while… the cost of education in this
country is high… [pause], yet the possibilities are infinite,” Manuel declares.
“Infinite,” Magdalena pronounces the word using the same
tone that her husband had used.
“Infinite… infinite in the sense that if one can provide the
support for the children and motivate them to study…” Manuel continues to
develop his thinking.
Some have accused Carl Rogers of being directive. According
to the critics, these empathic responses reward the speaker for focusing on the
topics the listener wants him to focus on, and thus it is the listener who
directs the conversation. This is not the case. When a person is interrupted by
an empathic listener—with an observation or comment that is distracting—the
speaker makes it clear that this was an interruption. Unless, the interruption
constitutes a more serious breach of trust, the party continues to speak and
control the conversation.
Mekelle, a young African-American professional, is telling
Susan, that her best friend, Palad, is mad at her because her fiancé is
Caucasian. The conversation is proceeding normally, until Susan asks a question
that distracts Mekelle.
“My friend Palad… it bothers me—as bright and perceptive as
he is—that he cannot see that in reality… if one were to educate more people,”
Mekelle is expressing her frustration.
“Yes,” Susan adds, following the conversation.
“Then he would not feel the way he feels, you understand?”
Mekelle asks a question that rather means, “Are you listening to me? Are you
following my logic?”
“Where is Palad from?” Susan interrupts. The question has no
relationship to the pain that Mekelle is feeling at the moment. People often
take back control of a conversation with the use of the word “but,” as we see
below.
“Palad is from Florida, he has lived several years in
California and he is now living in Oregon,” Mekelle answers. “But… [having lost
track of where she was, Mekelle seems somewhat distracted and moves her hand,
as if to say, lets get back to the topic, and continues] but… and it is only
about Caucasian people, he only has problems with Caucasian people, [Mekelle
smiles] if the person was from any other race it would not matter, but when it
is a matter of a Caucasian person…”
Empathic sayings
An empathic saying is a longer comment, of a reflective
type, given to let someone know we are following them. We might say something
like, “at this moment you feel terrible,” or, “I can see you are suffering.”
These expressions can be very potent but only if used sparingly, and certainly
not in a repetitive fashion. Here is an example of an empathic saying used
properly:
A troubled youth approached me one day. “I hate life, it has
treated me terribly,” he said. The loud, bitter comment filled the room. Oh,
how I wanted to moralize and tell him that his own actions had placed him in
the present predicament. But instead, I calmly stated, a la Rogers, “Right now,
you are hating life.” I was trying to truly comprehend and letting him know
that I was listening.
“Oh yes,” he continued, but the anger reduced enormously,
“life right now is terrible....” With every exchange the voice tension and
loudness subsided. This same youth soon recognized that he was not in the right
path without my having to say it.
In contrast, I observed a speaker—a therapist by
training—who freely used the line, “I can see you are hurting.” I was the
conference interpreter and was in a position to observe the audience. An older
man told his heartbreaking anecdote, and the speaker used his line at what
seemed the perfect moment. The participant stopped talking and leaned back. I
could see in his eyes and body posture that he had felt empathy from the
therapist. The man had been touched and now felt understood. I was impressed.
It seemed to me, however, that with each subsequent use of “I can see you are
hurting,” the catchy phrase became increasingly artificial. The magic was gone.
Fewer people were convinced of its sincerity and the line soon meant “be quiet,
I want to move on with my talk.” The process had become mechanical and empty,
rather than based on true empathy.
How does one know if the listening was empathic? Gerald Egan
says, “If the helper’s empathic response is accurate, the client often tends to
confirm its accuracy by a nod or some other nonverbal cue or by a phrase such
as ‘that’s right’ or ‘exactly.’ This is usually followed by a further, usually
more specific, elaboration of the problem situation.”8 And when one is off the
mark, sometimes they will tell you, or just as likely, they will be quiet and
avoid eye contact.
Empathic questions
In contrast to diagnostic questions, especially those
analytical in nature, empathic questions go to the source of what the person is
feeling. These questions are very
powerful and less dangerous because they promote talking, rather than silence
(i.e., prime the pump questions). Examples include, “What are you feeling at
this moment?” Or, without completing the phrase and stretching out the word
feeling, “You are fee-ling…?” The strength of empathic questions is that they help
bring the pain out to the surface, feelings that often may lie deeply hidden.
Often, people have been so preoccupied with analytical thinking, that they have
not permitted themselves to sufficiently examine their feelings.
Body language
One of the best steps, in terms of body language, is to
invite someone to take a seat, if she has not done so already. By offering a
seat we let her know that we are willing to listen and ready to take the time
to do so. That we are not going to ration out the time.
Persons who are very interested in what another is saying
may, from time to time, lean toward the speaker, and their interest is
reflected in their faces, body language, and tone of voice. We can signal with
our head movement that we are listening. But as with all of the techniques we
have discussed, variety is critical. Otherwise, if we keep mechanically shaking
our head to let the person know we are listening, we soon look like the
bobble-head dogs that were often seen in the back windows of cars.
If we are truly interested in listening, our body language
shows it. Our non-verbal communication also betrays us when we get distracted.
In a recent conversation I had not yet said anything, but must have shown
intentions of interrupting. Before I could utter a word, the person speaking
said, “Excuse me for interrupting you, but…” and she continued relating her
account. This happened several times, proving what communication experts have
told us all along: individuals signal their intent to interrupt before doing so.
Respecting pauses
Silence makes people uncomfortable. Yet, one of the most
important empathic listening skills is not interrupting pauses, or periods of
silence. When a person pauses she continues to think about the challenge. When
we respect these pauses, by not interrupting, we are in essence offering the
person a psychological chair to sit on; it is a way of saying “We are not going
to abandon you.”
The person who feels truly heard begins, also, to speak
slower and to leave more pauses. When an individual senses she will not be
interrupted, she begins an internal trajectory, every time deeper, wherein she
begins to intensify the process of self understanding and analytical thinking.
Many listeners—who found it difficult enough to be
patient when the individual was speaking at a normal speed—finding it torturous
to listen to this slower pace. Yet, this is part of the gift of giving, in a
listening or helping stance.
How long can you listen to a person and keep silence without
getting nervous or impatient, and interrupting? Four seconds? Eleven seconds?
One minute? Ten minutes? How long? When a party comes out of this pause, he
will have often undergone some serious reflective and analytical thinking.
A young professional reported that she had put this advice
to work. After a seminar she called her boyfriend, who was experiencing some
difficult challenges. “I had to bite my lips several times,” she reported. “But
I managed not to interrupt him. After a long pause he asked me, ‘Are you
there?’” The disadvantage of the phone is that fewer empathic responses are
available to the listener, as he could not see the interest with which she had
been listening. She responded, “Of course, I am listening with much interest!”
Once these words were pronounced, he continued talking, this time with even
more enthusiasm and penetration.
In order to conclude this sub-section, I would like to share
two more clips from our African-American friend, Mekelle. The first one speaks
of her desire to make a decision and resolve her challenge. This comment comes
after she has had a long time to vent.
“It has become clear that I must call Palad again and have
another conversation with him,” Mekelle resolved. “I have not decided… yet…
when I will call him. [Pause] Yeap… that is where I find myself at the moment…
I will probably find a moment to call him next week. I always like to plan this
type of thing. [Laughing] I am not ready to speak with him at this moment.”
Susan is accompanying Mekelle, and laughs when she laughs.
“Not at this moment…”
“Right. [Mekelle laughs] Perhaps I should call him some day
when I am mad. [Laughs some more and pauses] But… mm… it is beginning to weigh
on me… this lets me know I ought to call now.”
In the second clip Mekelle speaks about the feelings of gratitude
she is feeling for having been heard.
“The really interesting thing… to me… I… generally… am not
one to share my feelings,” Mekelle clarifies. “I tend to keep these buried and
let other people tell me how they feel.”
“Mmm,” Susan listens.
Mekelle makes several false starts in terms of continuing
with what is in her mind, with several pauses in between. She finally speaks,
“This whole process… of realizing I am still mad at him… because I did not know
I was still mad at him… [pause] is very interesting… to me, that is. [Mekelle
once again attempts to speak between her own pauses, and finally speaks with
much strength, and drawing out the word mad each time she uses it] I ask
myself, ‘Why, exactly are you mad?’ You know? Should you be mad? You could be
disappointed… but mad! Especially since he did not do anything to you—by that I
mean that he did not use offensive language, he did not hit me—… [pause]. I
feel he disappointed me… ‘How can you be so intelligent and think like that?’”
A person who uses the empathic listening approach, in its
purity, will have to dedicate large blocks of time to it. Depending on the
trauma or situation involved, I have found that people can easily talk to you
between one or two hours if you will listen. Before concluding this paper, I
would like to share a few thoughts about reconciling empathic listening and our
values.
Reconciling empathic listening to
our belief system
Throughout the years I have read numerous books about
empathic listening, from a number of authors. Some of its distinguished
proponents suggest that there is no such thing as absolute truth. My challenge, however, was the need to reconcile
such a stance with the incredibly positive results obtained by the methodology.
You see, I am a strong proponent of the existence of an absolute truth; of
right and wrong, and of good and evil.
For instance, Rogers would not moralize to his clients, no
matter how horrible a thing they said. Nor—to his defense—did Rogers patronize
people who felt troubled and tell them it was normal to feel a certain way.
When a client said she really hated her mother, and would be glad to see her
dead, Rogers would listen. Soon, his client would say, well, actually I do not
hate her totally, I also really love her, and I would not want her to be dead.
Through the several transcripts provided by Rogers, this pattern repeated
itself over and over. Each time, the client seems to make good decisions,
backing away from hurtful, destructive approaches.9
From experience in observing how poorly people listen, I
suspect most individuals would benefit from reading Rogers. But returning to my
dilemma, how could I reconcile my belief structure with being a good listener?
Or, how about those situations when someone is blind to the most basic common
sense? For instance, a person who says he is starving for the affection of a
family member or former friend, yet is doing everything in his power to reject
her?
After months of reflection, I have arrived at these
conclusions: (1) when people are truly heard, they will often come to their own
correct insights. But if their assumptions are still faulty, (2) by the very
process of truly listening, the helper will earn the right to challenge blind
spots. There will be moments when the listener has the right—or, should we say
obligation?—to speak her truth.
For this listening model to work, it is necessary to have
confidence in the goodness of people. That individuals, when they have had the
opportunity to reflect and reconsider, will see the path that is necessary to
leave the darkness behind.
Good-will deposits, earned through the listening process,
are required before the helper earns the right to challenge an individual. When
I have truly listened, then, if it becomes necessary, I can calmly present concerns
from my perspective.
Despite all that has been said in this paper, there will be
times when the mediator may have incompatible values with those of one or more
of the parties involved. Helpers should not suggest that people violate their
own principles or belief systems, nor should anyone expect a helper to be
amoral. If a friend tells you he is thinking of being unfaithful to his wife,
and if he does not reconsider during the process of being heard, I think it
would be a great fault on the part of the listener to keep silent and not share
his own feelings of repugnance towards such a stance.
There may be times, then, when the mediator or empathic
listener may need to share her value system with another. Often, people will
seek your opinion because they respect your values. One of the leading experts
on empathic listening and challenging, Gerald Egan, further suggests that
living by a value system may well be a pre-requisite to properly challenging
others.10
Summary
Through the process of being heard empathically, the
troubled individual will control the direction, pace, and final destiny of the
exploratory expedition. She will be required to do most of the hard work. Yet,
she will not be left alone during this difficult voyage. Empathic listening
permits those who own the challenge to begin to hear themselves. As a result,
they become better equipped to solve their own difficulties. The empathic
listening approach helps the person being heard to sufficiently distance
himself from the challenge to see it with more clarity. There is great
therapeutic value in being able to think aloud and share a problem with someone
who will listen.
The good listener has enough confidence in himself to be
able to listen to others without fear.
Part of being a good listener may require consciously
fighting to keep an open mind and avoid preconceived conclusions. A helper may
want to continually assess her listening style in a given situation. For
instance, she may ask herself: Am I ...
- Allowing
the person with the problem to do most of the talking?
- Avoiding
premature conclusions based on my life experiences?
- Helping
the individual to better understand himself?
- Permitting
the person to retain ownership of the challenge?
- Showing
the party that we are listening without judging?
References
1. Rogers, Carl R. (1951). Client-centered therapy: Its current
practice, implications, and theory. Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston.
2. Nichols, M. P. (1995). The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to
Listen Can Improve Relationships (p. 111). New York: The Guilford Press.
3. Benjamin, A. (1974). The Helping Interview (2nd Edition) (p.
21). Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company.
4. Nichols, M. P. (1995). The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to
Listen Can Improve Relationships. New York: The Guilford Press.
5. Winslade, J., and Monk, G.
(2000). Narrative Mediation: A New
Approach to Conflict Resolution (pp. 126-128). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass
Publishers.
6. Gayle M. Clegg, “The Finished
Story,” Ensign, May 2004, 14, 174th
Annual General Conference, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,
Saturday Morning Session, 3 April 2004.
7. Benjamin, A. (1974). The Helping Interview (2nd Edition) (p.
44). Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company.
8. Egan, Gerard. (1986). The Skilled Helper: A Systematic Approach to Effective Helping
(3rd Edition), Brooks/Cole Publishing Company:
Monterey, California, pages 199-200
9. Rogers, Carl R. (1951). Client-centered therapy: Its current
practice, implications, and theory. Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston.
10. Egan, Gerard. (1986). The Skilled Helper: A Systematic Approach to Effective Helping
(3rd Edition), Brooks/Cole Publishing Company:
Monterey, California.
